Heaven or Hell, Duel 1! Let's rock!

Given my lack of free time during the week this week, I've grown rather fond of a fighting game. Usually I don't do so well at fighting games and so I've never had much interest in them. But this game is a bit different. Guilty Gear XX is pretty fun. The control is solid, but flexible. It's easy enough for me to learn even though I'm playing one of the more difficult characters. Now all I need is another controller so I can play against another person. Perhaps this weekend I shall make the necessary purchases.

I just figured today I'd post a little mundanity. :)

Worrisome business.

Is it bad that every time I walk into my girlfriend's room to find a whole bunch of people sitting in each other's laps and pouring strong drinks for themselves that I lose respect for every last person in the room--including my girlfriend?

I can be amongst my own friends, and some of them will drink, and we can chat and laugh and cut up and the like. But when I see Grace's roommates and friends doing the same it looks so much dirtier and evil. I want to take a baseball bat to them all just to try and preserve some of my respect for her, you know?

Maybe I'm just being prejudiced, but it really makes me uncomfortable. And I'm trying to learn to live with that.

Family time.

Since the weekend, I've wondered about what's been holding me together these past several years, and what it's going to take to hold me together in the future. During my freshman and sophomore years, I had a family. A group of people my age that all got together and were united. Truly united. We all related to one another in various ways, but we all related to each other just right. My junior year I had a set of close friends, and they were very much like the family experience I had the past two years. There was, however, the added bonus of figuring out and eliminating what it was that made me so anxious and insecure.

Now I want my family back.

I'd love to be able to spend time with them all like we did over the weekend. Scattered across a living room, sitting on sofas, chairs, cushions, and the floor, we enjoyed a meal together. And we also watched a movie. Though the movie wasn't that great to me, at least we were all sitting together watching. Rent had on plot (in my mind), but the characters at least were intriguing and close to one another. I suppose, after a great deal of looking back on it, that the movie stays in my mind because it somehow reminded me of my family--only we're much less complex and not nearly as dramatic.

Those are my people--John, Casey, Patrick, Jennifer, Ginger, Jesse, William, Adrienne, Mac, Mallory, Tim, Alex, and Grace. Some were there from the start, others came along later. But they're all family to me. Now that I've grown so much, I'd like to be around them as we used to be, if only to show them how much I've grown. They helped me grow, and now I want to show them how much I appreciate their time, effort, and patience. They will always be my support, my guides, my comforts, and my joys. And now I want to be more of those things to them, rather than being a wimpering child they have to keep an eye on.

But now that I finally have reached some sort of maturity, it is time most of us went our own ways. I won't be seeing a good many of them with any sort of regularity for a while--if ever again.

I'm not too sure how many people in my family read this, but if they do, it'll be good for them to know that even though I'm silent about their help most of the time, that I do appreciate it. In fact, spending time with them has been some of the most rewarding experiences in my lifetime.

But the question remains: what will I do later on, when I can't see them anymore?

You're a nice man, Captain.

"No I'm not. I'm a mean old man."

The title of the post and the part in quotation marks was a section of a conversation held between Captain Malcom Reynolds and Kaylee on Firefly. Kaylee spoke first and then Mal answered her with the part in quotations.

I feel that way more often than not it seems.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm really a Christian or not. Mostly because it seems that people are a bit confused about what I am. Am I a nice guy, or a mean ol' snob who's so full of bitterness at his community he can't see straight.

Once I got asked why I was still a Christian since I was so incredibly angry, bitter, upset, etc with other Christians.

It was an odd question, and one that I had never really considered before. In fact, for all my anger and dislike of what Christendom was doing around me, it had never occurred to me that I might want to stop being a Christian.

So I simply answered, "I've got no where else to go. I'm compelled towards Christianity and I simply cannot help myself."

Now I wonder if I am truly compelled. Am I persistent or am I merely too dumb to quit? Lent has been a battleground if ever there was one. I'm keeping my Lenten vow pretty square on, but I never would have imagined that I'd get attacked on other fronts as well. Especially not as hard and fast as I am right now.

But honestly, what am I doing? Why do I continue to hit my head on all these proverbial brick walls? I've had virtually no breaks at all in the realm of ministry opportunities, I've got no money for seminary, and I'm constantly at odds about any number of issues. Now I'm no stranger to doubts and questions, and have just about lived next to them since I took up Christianity as a serious enterprise. But I'm beginning to wonder if I've really been changed or transformed.

Old ways of thinking have been resurfacing recently. It's bothersome in that respect. I've come dangerously close to thinking in an old "survivalist" pattern. I'm tired of fighting and enduring, etc. I'm sick of rigor, discipline, and drills. I just want to throw all this patience and long-suffering to the winds and break open some skulls. People get in my way and I want them gone!

I want I want I want! I want a fun, comfy life! I want to be able to spend my life near my friends and my family! I want a car, a house, and no college debt! I want to be in shape and excel in martial arts! And I don't want to have to work for it, either. Man, what a selfish way to go about things. Such thinking encroaches on me. It certainly looks easier, but it's probably not nearly as rewarding.

So I suppose I settle for my bitterness and whatever anger I have and refer to it as "righteous." Whether it really is righteous remains to be seen. It's an anger I can't adequately expressed because people keep showing up to oppress me. I want to release my anger, let it go and vent it all out! But I can't because it would be "destructive" or "rude" or "harsh."

If I'm not mistaken Jeremiah mentions a wall and a plumb line. Plumb lines were used to make sure that a wall stood straight and did not lean over. Jeremiah uses the wall and the plumb line as a metaphor for Israel. Israel was a wall that was out of plumb (it leaned over too much), which stood for Israel's straying from God's commandments. Jeremiah decreed that he had been given the power to tear down the wall and to rebuild it! As God's prophet, it was up to Jeremiah to tear down the wall with his prophecy and stop the people's disobedience and make them obedient.

If there's over 13 prophets in the Old Testament (prophetic books at least) that can righteously hold anger towards their people, and if Jesus can grow angry with the Pharisees, who He loved, and if Paul and chew out the churches he started for being stupid (You foolish Galatians!), then why can't I do the same with my peers today?

I guess, all in all, I might be a nice person. But I'm also a mean old man.

I am not a Cynic.

I'm not.

Spring Break? Wate Wot?

I cannot remember the last time I have had a more liberating week off.

I visited my father, which was the most relaxed and cheerful trip to see him that I can remember in a very long time. There was not one argument, not one comment on my character. It was great. My dad seems to have really mellowed out.

Spending time at home was good too. I played games with my brothers, watched movies, and had my best friend over for the weekend. We spend a good deal of time outside jumping and climbing on playground equipment as though it was an obstacle course. Parkour, they call it.

It's good to be back at school, though. I feel quite relaxed. I also got to see my girlfriend, which I hardly did over spring break.

Now I'm looking forward to my summer. Once I apply for a job, it'll be wide open apart from that.

All that's left is to finish my assignments and graduate. I'm looking forward to it.