Update on my stuff.

I'm still not wearing underwear. Ha!

My book work is now an hour staring at a word document. New material is fun, but now I'm being far more careful about how I write. The process is slower.

One more day and then no more soft drinks. I'm thinking I'm going to edit this to say "water, juice, and milk."

Time spent outside needs to have a more definitive goal. When I have some goals, I'll post them.

My book is better.

I finished re-writing all the stuff I said I didn't like. Now I get to write totally new material!

Resolved:

1) If I'm not working, I'm not wearing underwear.

2) I will spend no more than one hour in a day watching the television.

3) I will spend at a minimum one hour on my book.

4) I will spend at a minimum one our outside at least three days out of the week no matter how tired I am.

5) I will be quit of soft drinks by Nov 1st.

If any of this changes, I'll let you know.

Today I worked only half a day. I left my house just before 7am and returned to it at 12:30 that afternoon. I had the entire rest of the day to do productive things and make severe advances along the many fronts of my life. I took a personal day.

But on the plus side I did manage to knock out a few small things along the way. I have clean clothes. I have knowledge for grad school. And I've been blessed with the choice of basically building my own internship from scratch. Let's just hope it turns out how I want. I decided to have my internship be in editing.

Speaking of editing, my book is pacing out kind of slowly right now. Surprisingly enough, as motivated as I am about durn near everything in my life so far, I have a hard time getting wound up about the book. I reckon I'll have to do what I did before. Stare at it real hard.

It feels like things are moving in slow motion right now. They're not necessarily slow, but they seem to pass before me at a rate that is not as quick as I would have first expected.

Deep thought, compelling statement.

Italicized end quote-thing.

(Sorry, I'll try harder later. It's just...no, it's not coming to me.)

Hooked.

I feel like I've reached a serious "adventuring hook" in my life. An adventuring hook is a term coined in the realm of table top rpgs. An adventuring hook is a device used by game masters to involve their players in the game scenario by appealing to things that are relevant to those players' characters.

GMs often toss out the promise of a good challenge, magical and powerful weaponry, money, and on occasion extends to the uber-nerd some pen-and-paper playmates (so to speak). With these items motivating the player characters, the story is begun and the game is on.

Yesterday I networked my way to an internship opportunity with Mercer University Press. It is an unpaid internship. That's all I really know. I'm going to contact the man in charge of that internship tomorrow and see what he can tell me about it. If it sounds fun, I'm going for it. If it's not fun, there's always grad school.

Grad school application is slow as balls. The contact I have is taking her sweet time getting back to me. She has until the end of the week to turn up some real results for me to go on or I'm paying her a visit in her office.

I saw Grace for a little under 24 hours last weekend. I've never felt more in love with her. It's hard to resist the urge to text-bomb her while she's at work all day. I'm a gushy type. Sue me.

God and I--er, well--I'm having a hard time wondering what He's up to when it comes to me recently. Oddly enough I find myself not caring. I'd rather not stress over my fate anymore, so God can have it. I think that's been the point of all the rigmarole between us for the past few months.

When I imagine what's going on between me and the Almighty I feel like we're sitting at two desks pushed together. We sit with our elbows on the desk surfaces and hands clasped together. Our postures have us leaning forward so that we're touching heads. His eyes look right through me and see everything there is about me. When I look into His eyes I only see what I think I know. There's not much to see in the periphery when I look into God's eyes. There's a flash of white from the beard people tend to dress God in, but there's a lot of big empty serenity. It's like looking out into space through a telescope. I only did that one time and the more I looked, the more I got this incredible feeling that if I pressed my eye any closer to the viewing lens, the telescope would suck me in and fire me into that enormous space.

The more I imagine myself looking into God's eyes, the more I get the idea that if I moved up to the most extreme edge of my seat I'd get sucked right into Him and know everything He knows. It's exhilarating.

I need to attend Mass everyday the same way I need to floss each morning. The Eucharist is about the only time I feel truly connected to God. I feel like Simon when he's talking to Mal.

We're still flying.

That's not much.

It's enough.

So I'm hooked. Hooked on a string of career opportunities, hooked on a romantic relationship that I love like it was new, and hooked on the notion that I possibly am getting closer to God. Now we just roll the dice and see how the numbers come out.

The Screeching Halt.

I still think I ought to quit my job. No, I don't have another job on the horizon. Honestly, I don't think there will be until I get out. Then again, maybe that's the desperation talking.

I made a solid move towards grad school today. I got in contact with a person who can help me with my UWG application.

I made a small step toward completing my book. I wrote maybe a quarter of a page. Now I'm stuck again.

I need free time. Free time to apply for substitute teaching. Free time to find another job. Free time to finish my volunteer paper work and then actually volunteer. I've not done anything with the youth since the Sunday before last.

I'm better than this, right? I'm more dedicated, more focused, and stronger willed. Right? I'm bigger, stronger, more powerful. Right?

Truth is I feel shackled. I feel negative, sluggish, and spineless. I still have positive expectations for the future. It's the present that I don't like.

It seems like I'm in perpetual twilight. It's not dark yet. But it's certainly not very bright.

Perhaps I'm depressed.

But by now I've learned that I'm still there because I refuse to resign myself to my position. Even if I can't really do much about it, the fact that I don't like it means something.

Baby steps. The thousand mile journey begins with but one step.

I feel good.

This weekend did wonders for me. Good food, good company, good conversation. It was good.

I have a new career option to explore. I also feel like re-doubling my efforts to get into grad school.

I need my resolve to stay strong. I finally feel like I can kick some ass. I don't want it to go away just yet.

Mixture.

Feelings mix strangely for me recently.

I begin slightly on edge (I don't want to go to work; I'd rather sleep in).

I move to positive attitudes and feelings towards my co-workers, the people I meet, and the day in general.

Then when the work drags on, I begin to think that I might just be better off quitting my job just so I can focus on moving my life forward without feeling guilty about leaving my boss without help for a day or two.

I come home impatient because I'm ready for a shower.

Then I mellow out.

Ups, downs, etc's.

I'm still upset when I pray. But at least I'm not upset with God. It's no fun to be mad at God and know that you have no good reason to be.

Hier kommt die Sonne.
Sie ist der Hellste sterne von allen.
Und es wird nie von Himmel fallen.