Future Active Indicative.

Tomorrow is the job fair for summer internships and actual real-to-life jobs. It's rather exciting.

It's also scary as hell.

Tomorrow I'll be wearing a tie, a button-down shirt, slacks, and a sport coat in order to be "presentable" and have one of these companies take interest in me. I wrote my first resume ever and I hope it does me some good.

I'm taking my future into my own hands. I'm going out and trying to make something of what I've got. I'm ready to learn, teach, and counsel. I'm also ready to get out from under schoolwork. I'm looking forward to an informal learning environment. I'm also looking forward to being even more in charge of my day than previous. Maybe I'll get somewhere in my own studies and interests. It sure wouldn't hurt.

Wish me luck, for tomorrow I go see people that will largely determine what I do for the summer.

Black Church

I went to an African-American church this evening. I've only been to a handful of these types of services in my short life, and I find each one a bit refreshing and at the same time irritating. The black church services are refreshing to me because the people at these services do their worship with body, mind, heart, (and most especially) soul. They dance, they sing, they cry, they sing loud. They engage their minds in the spoken word and in the words of the songs they sing. If you ever go, you'll notice an "Amen" or a "Hallelujah" now and again. It means that they agree with what's going on. They've given their faith so much consideration and thought. Their religion permeates them on every level and they are what they were made to be--human beings. It's the most beautiful thing in the world to see and I can do nothing aside from sit on my large, pale tuchas and watch amazed.

These services also irritate me because I am not integrated as they are. I sing songs, and I consider the words, but I do not dance. Worship does not sync with me as it does them. I can't dance because there is nothing to dance to. Somehow the African American Christian can shake off their chains that hold them down and they can be free, if but a moment, in worship. Church is a time for them to be completely unbridled and they run free.

I've never known white church to be that way. White people (I at first misspelled it "Shite" people, which I find rather appropriate) sing and shout and cry. Some jump up and down. But they somehow fight themselves and each other. They've got to be cool, trendy, or serious. They've got to look dignified. Black people just want to look honest. White people argue about which songs to sing and what to believe because they don't have a song to sing all the time. They don't have a prayer that the live out. They can't seem to square their experiences of life with their experiences with God. Rather I should say, they don't square their experiences with their idea of God. They can't.

Why, Dear God, was I born white? Born among a race of people so concerned with what other people think that they chain themselves down and chain down the others around them for the sake of "feelings" and "ideas." Feelings must not get hurt! Ideas must be respected and held as equal to all others because we want to avoid making others seem stupid! White people hold back their fears, anger, and anxieties because they are unseemly. And so they remove anger from God.

Black people understand an angry God. They appreciate an angry God because that God will not tolerate oppression and abuse. An angry God won't tolerate half baked ideas and false doctines. A God that never gets angry never needs to worry about oppression and false teachings because everyone is "a-ok." And without the anger where is the love? The true love that says "I will not leave you alone to die at the hands of your enemies! I am coming to protect you and care for you and make you whole and right and free again!" The Israelites leaned on God and trusted on God to free them from real oppression. Oppressive words, deeds, and ideas were all trampled under the foot of the Almighty. Jesus came to help the sick and release slaves and love people who could not love themselves. All these things are real life needs. Physical needs, mental needs, emotional needs, and not just spiritual needs. to say that Jesus came for the sole purpose of saving people from sin in the strictly spiritual sense is to cheapen and dilute the work of Christ.

Sin does more than condemn a soul to hell. It kills people. Murder ends lives! It leaves people hungry. Greed makes people poor and destitute. Arrogance leaves people lonely and depressed. Adultery obliterates trust, hope, and love.

Jesus came, died, and was resurrected so that we could enter a new life without murder or greed or arrogance or adultery. This life would be one in which we could all live peacefully together and be what we were meant to be without worry or fear of what others would think of our creation.

I wish I knew how the black people do it. I wish I knew how they managed to be human when they went to church and allowed themselves the fullness of their humanity. How they do not wish to be someone else or shrink away from what they are! I wish I could have that. Maybe some day I will.

It's the pain that hurts the most.

I hate having those long, slow, low talks with people. You know the ones. They start out real serious and everything stands still. Then you pick up one conversational foot and put it down like a leaden weight. Then the other. In this manner you trudge along, trying to make yourself clear and serious without making people feel too bad or too guilty. It's the kind of discussion you have when you want people to be more aware, responsible, or otherwise better, but you know it won't come without price.

Those conversations are the worst for me because they're so hard on my soul. I can yell, be abrasive, and snap at people now and again. But I can't have those dread talks where things are too serious to yell or be sarcastic. But I think those conversations are also the best for me because I learn the most from them. I learn to be better about my criticism. It's a time when I can truly figure out how to be a counselor and a prophet.

It makes me wonder how I can be so rude and crass to some people and loving and constructive with others. I honestly don't get it. Maybe I'll learn someday.

Side note: 1st possible vocation: full-time church ministry
2nd possible vocation: therapist

Serenity.

Take my love, take my land,

Take me where I cannot stand.

Now and again I find myself in a place where the very fibers of my being stand the risk of being taken from me. The thoughts and feelings that make me “Justin-esque” are somehow rendered invalid and I can no longer keep on being myself. My actions are paralyzed, and there’s nothing I can do, no matter how hard I try.

I don’t care, I’m still free!

You can’t take the sky from me.

Yet somehow in the midst of it all, I find those very fibers and actions solid and useful. Somehow the claws that rip at the fibers don’t quite penetrate and the movement and growth, though stunted, continue on their course.

Take me out to the black,

tell them all I ain’t coming back

Time and again I find myself peering into something unknown. Questions about God, the future…places yet unseen and people yet unmet. I’ve come to look forward to such events, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything else. I love adventure.

Burn the land, boil the sea,

You can’t take the sky from me!

I suppose that somewhere along the way of chasing the unknown I’ve gained a reputation. It’s a reputation that doesn’t offer me too many opportunities to plant something worthwhile into the minds and hearts I meet. The ground I can cover is limited, snatched away from me by whisperers and scoffers. But even so, there are some few people that I can get a hold of and teach to fly—and how they do soar!

There’s no place that I could be

Now that I’ve found Serenity.

Ultimately, despite the attack on my being, despite my limited movement within the realm of ideas and convictions, I find myself at peace and at home with what I am. I’ve discovered that, like those I have grown closest to, the life I lead is not one that I would ask too many people to walk with me. In fact, it seems like we all choose to walk together, more than we follow any one person. It’s in this net of symbiotic affection that we sharpen one another and find ourselves at home in a world that generally doesn’t like us.

You can’t take the sky from me!

--Lyrics taken from the Firefly opening theme.

Slow and Steady.

At last, I am recieving the Firefly episodes. The exchange is going rather slowly, but at least it is happening. Research is moving along at a similar pace, but no doubt all will be accomplished in time.

Waiting is actually somewhat easy right now.

In other slow and steady sort of things, I think life in general has slowed down for me some. Deadlines aren't nearly as big a deal as they were.

Time is ephemeral.

Focusing the lens.

Yesterday I woke up an hour early and went to see one of my professors about a paper I was writing. While we were discussing my topic, I came to find out two things from him: a narrow focus on a particular topic is often more helpful than a broad focus and that if I'm looking for one thing that I don't have, I might as well start looking for it by investigating what I do have.

Funny how things that we've always been looking for are so near to us.

Ain't too Christian.

I've had at least three conversations this weekend alone about my future and (whether those involved in the conversation knew it or not) about my Christianity.

In my future I am going to have to be educated in the real life Christian world. Classtime will be over and worktime will be now. To be honest, I don't want it. I don't want to sit under the tutelage of fuzzy-wuzzy youth pastors and stubborn preacher-men. I don't want to sit down and be told, cut and dry, how I'm supposed to do things. I don't want to fit a mold, and I don't want to learn any formulas.

In fact, I think that this is part of the reason I'm so averse to pastors and other such clergy. I don't trust them to adapt to me and I don't trust them to listen to my message with clear minds and weigh my worth on a balanced scale.

I want to be the Shepherd Book of my time. For example, refer to this dialogue:

Zoe: Shepherd, doesn't that book have very specific things to say about murdering?
Shepherd Book: Yes, but it's a little fuzzy around the area of knee caps.

I'm not saying I want to knee-cap people during my career as a minister. I just want my "Whatever it takes" attitude to go un-dampened. Wanton slaughter and needless violence don't count in the realm of whatever-it-takes, but there's plenty of other things that do. If I have to say a harsh word to get the point across, then I want to be able to say my harsh word. If I have to use money the church was going to use on itself, then I'm going to spend the money and the church can wait later for whatever luxury they were looking forward to.

Maybe my mind has just been consumed by flights of fancy ala Firefly and Shadow of the Colossus. Maybe I'm just not recovering from the adrenaline rush I get just thinking about all the cool parkour tricks I could be doing on campus. Maybe I've been influenced just a wee bit too much by my best friend, Patrick. But dammit, I want to go on a big ol' adventure and take all my friends that are brave enough with me.

I'm restless with church. Nothing seems to sate me recently. Although this Sunday I did recieve some encouragement in the ways of "go and do something wicked awesome with yourself!"

I want marriage. I want a job. I want no more debt. But I don't know that I could withstand such life yet. I sincerely love my girlfriend, my education, and my friends. I don't plan on giving any of them up. But for some reason all this stability and repetitiveness is getting on my nerves.

Maybe I need to find an adventure. Or maybe I just need to grow up.

Fragmented.

It's funny how I feel right now. I'm a bit anxious about some things, and have been steadily irritated by small stuff for the past few weeks. I feel like I'm split in two. It's odd, but all the whle I'm feeling irritible I'm also feeling very calm, relaxed, and peaceful.

Right now I'm not at all set on edge. I'm not nervous, I don't feel like I've got too much energy, and I certainly don't feel panicked about homework. But something is brewing that's just dark and sad and angry.

I feel like a BSU-er saying this, but I think I'm going to have to just trust God on this one. Sometimes the best thing we can do about something is to wait it out and see what happens. But eventually (which in this case means very soon), I'm going to have to find some time to get some decent solitude and work the whole thing out. I'm going to have to take stock of my situation and make up my mind about a few things.

The trouble is, where am I going to find the time?

I suppose I'm ready for the year to end. I can imagine several other things I'd rather do besides homework. I'm actually aching to get to the wood park near Peachtree City and practice parkour for a few hours. I want to beat X-Men Legends II and I want to write a book. I want to get out there and start helping people. I want to get lost in other people's lives and forget who I am for a while and just be.

An evening report.

Ok, so Tae Kwon Do classes are going pretty well. I'm grasping concepts, tightening technique, all that fun jazz.

I re-wrote my Colloquium proposal and now it looks much better. I still want to investigate integrity as a means of avoiding/repenting from sin.

I feel quite relaxed right now. I'm at peace (although something in the back of my head is screaming for something sweet) and I feel generally very comfortable in my own skin.

But I can't do homework. I'm staring at the paper, and it's not getting written.

It makes me wonder: do I have to exchange this feeling of peace (which I connect with integrity) for motivation to do homework? or will I have to wait until it's life or death for me to get the paper written? I don't want to sacrifice work ethic for satisfaction with myself and vice versa.