I just got finished watching Fight Club.

Holy shit.

New worlds.

Creating a new world has got to be one of the most interesting and exhilarating things I have ever done in my short life. I know the world I want to create. I know what events I want to transpire in those worlds. But the execution of those events--that's the real challenge. Finding the right way to have it all make sense for you and for others, discovering the right manner in which to bestow details to a person, and discerning who should show up where is all much harder than I thought it would be at first. But I'm loving it. Characters come to life before my eyes. Places spring up from nothing. No wonder God enjoys creating. It's amazing.

Doldrums.

I have noticed as of late how often my spare time is so empty and desolate. It's odd because when I'm at work I can name off at least fifteen things I could be doing if I wasn't at work. Things that would help me find a better career, get into grad school, and stuff like that. Then, when I get home, I get a shower and I completely shut down. I don't want to clean my room (which is cluttered more than usual), I don't want to fill out job applications (I guess it's easier to apply for a job when you don't have one), and I certainly don't feel like checking up on my apparently endless list of items to be done for grad school.

I guess part of it is that by the time I get home from work every day, all of the places I need to go or people I need to see have gone home too. I can't make an appointment because I don't have the time during the day. I also don't have the means to do any research while I'm awake and my mind is on it.

Instead I read books, sit and do nothing, take a meandering walk. It's relaxing, but in the back of my head, something eats at me about my future. What will I do in a few months? Will I ever get into grad school? Will I ever find a job that I can hold and live on with my current qualifications? When and how will I ever own my own car, or a house? How will I afford insurance? How can I manage to get married?

I wish I could put the future out of my mind for a while and just forus on what's in front of me. It's affecting my job, my relationships, and I'm going nuts trying not to totally lose patience with my situation.

Today's troubles are enough for today.

Creativity.

For the past several days my mind has been on overload with creative thought. Exploring ideas, investigating possibilities, creating worlds. It's exhausting. I need to sit down and give this stuff some ventilation, but it's very difficult to pick out a thread from the tangled mess and focus on teasing it out into its own stand-alone concept. Plus, I miss my girlfriend.

In other news, my Fourth of July was pretty nice. I went to Ft. Gaines. My mom asked me what was in Ft. Gaines that would make me want to go there (apart from friends, of course). After some thought and consideration I decided that I enjoy Ft. Gaines more for what is not there than for what is. It's such a quiet place. I could spend and entire day napping on the sofa or sitting in a rocker or a swing on the porch and do absolutely nothing and still feel like I had made good use of my day. Nothing is rushed there. There's no apparent panic. It's wonderful.

I've got to get away from here.
This is not a place for me to stay.
I've got to take my family,
And find a quiet place.