I can't win.

I lost the Habitat job. Never even got an interview. This sucks.

Irony. I has it.

The youth event tonight was about happiness. What makes us happy and what true happiness is.

I'm not happy, Bob. Not. Happy.

Break.

It is break time. Everybody take a break.

Over the past several months I have been lagging in things. I've not been on top of my endeavors, nor have I had the motivation or the constitution to stick to goals I make for myself. My excuse?

I'm Busy.

We all know that's a lie. I work 14 hours a week, have Youth Group every other week, and short of that, I don't do a lot besides play games.

Well, there's been a freak chain of events this past month that has kept me extraordinarily out of my head. I guess that counts. Now the outside is slowing down, but I have still felt busy.

Busy Internally.

On the inside something's always bustling about or in a rush. Thoughts, ideas, feelings, notions. None of them pinning down so I can see them. I think it explains a lot.

I feel like my chest is caved in. I'm breathing and gasping for air, but the works are out. Nothing operates. Nothing is clear. But now, I really do have all the time in the world. With no outer motivation, I'm left to doing things for their own sakes. Finding work for the sake of having work. Writing for the sake of putting words on paper. Going to church just because, and not because I'm trying to keep something afloat.

The power's down. The lights are out.

Hier kommt die sonne.
Sie ist der hellste sterne von allen
Und will nie von himmel fallen.

I found this on the ocean floor.

When the waves decided to put my face in it.

The greatest illusion a person can grant himself is the notion that he is in charge.

Also, I think I finally understand why people say to just let go when shit hits the fan. It hurts.