What's stopping me?

I thought about that question a lot over the past week or two. I got my GACE scores from the English content exams I took in June. I passed both exams, which qualifies me to teach at a high school level.

Once I got my official scores I looked around for English teacher jobs in high schools. I found three. I started with the one nearest me because the location was convenient. Then I started the mountain of paperwork. Well, internet forms. I'm applying online. Then there was the stuff I HAD to turn in in paper format. That's nearly finished.

But during that time I've had odd feelings about this job. I'm determined to see this one to the end. I will get this job. But sometimes I fret and worry. Teaching is something I've wanted to do since I really got to know myself in college and I found out teaching is something I do well. Thing is, what if it turns out that it's not what I thought it was going to be? Will it still be worth it? Will I still want to do it? Most of my dreams got retired when I started my job at the landscaping company. Now that I'm doing something with those dreams I don't know what to think. I'm scared. I might actually succeed at life and I worry that I'm either going to like it so much I won't know what to do or it'll turn out the exact opposite and the merely retired dreams will be broken like others.

I'm getting in my own way. I don't really have anything to lose other than the testing fee if I sit on these GACE scores. I have a job that supports me so if I don't get this job it's back to status quo. That's it. But I'm sometimes reluctant.

None of this kind of thing used to happen to me. I used to make up my mind to do something and then I would get it done. Now I finish maybe a quarter of what I start. Nothing really impassions me anymore. Maybe I really am broken.

Oddly enough I'm writing about it on here because I can't seem to pick out an available person to talk to about it all.

I just know I want this teaching job. I think I could turn it into a career. When I think about being in the classroom I feel just a tiny bit like my old self again.

Nothing is going to stop me from getting this job. Not even myself.