About me.

Someone told me once that I needed time to fly solo so I could decide who I am and what I want out of life.

So I have. And here is what I have so far.

I want to be known as a man. I don't want to hear, "Justin, you're a great guy." I want people to say, "Justin is a good man."

I want to be the kind of person that people consider dangerous. I don't want people to necessarily feel threatened by me or think of me as an unstable person that will flip out and kill them. I want people to know that though I am a good person and would like more to help you than hurt you, I am not the guy you fuck with. Not ever. I like the concept of me as wild, uncontainable, uncontrollable, and most of all unstoppable.

NOTE: If I get any responses from this telling me to read Wild at Heart or if I get any borrowed copies, your book is forfeit. I will tear out every page and find new and creative uses for those dead trees.

I want to be someone people take seriously. It occurs to me that while I am a funny and a congenial person, not many people seem to take me seriously unless I'm in an incredibly somber mood. I don't mind being a Fool, or even a King Lear's Fool, but I don't want to have to trade my ability to entertain with jokes, stories, and physical comedy for credibility and insightfulness.

I have always wanted to be the number one go-to guy about something important, or at least useful. So far I can't think of anything people come to me about first. This can be a general skill that everyone comes to me for because I'm the best, or something personal that one person comes to me for and no one else.

Most of this indicates to me one thing: I want power. I want power and lots of it. Making my own way and creating my own destiny is very high on my list of important things at the moment. Maybe a lot of this has to do with my job hunt over the past two years, but I have nothing to say to people about the will of God and a person's calling/vocation or talents or gifts. I can hardly think of the word Vocation without wanting to spit the word out. It's a poison to me.

I want to make of myself what I will. As to what that's going to be, I'm not entirely sure. But between now and the New Year I'll be in super-introspective-mode, so if those of you see me face to face and I appear really somber and down: I'm not sad. I'm not depressed. I'm just taking a deep careful look within and deciding what to do.