New Year Introspection.

I stopped tonight to think about my life over the past year. I sat in that deep, solemn quiet. Blanketed by cold, my insides matched the outside when I came to a startling realization over what I was so deeply pondering about my life.

I was pondering nothing. I looked out over the past year and there was nothing. Not the good nothing. I have nothing to show for the year. I have one job I have held for four weeks. Not that impressive, but still very good. Aside from one abysmal mistake and the loss of the one thing in the world that was most important to me, I have nothing to show for my year. At all.

Music: Currently playing The Song of Storms.

Maybe a small section of my readership knows the Song of Storms. In the Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time and the Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask, the Song of Storms was a little ditty that brings the rain. You use it to grow magical plants, or just create ambience when your summer day is not enough for you.

The song is like a storm. It's strange how the music seems to spin round and round as fast as it can. Sometimes when I close my eyes I actually start getting dizzy. I just get swept away and spun around and around.

Sometimes it's just good to get swept along. It's fun to not pay attention at all and then see where you are when the music stops.

About me.

Someone told me once that I needed time to fly solo so I could decide who I am and what I want out of life.

So I have. And here is what I have so far.

I want to be known as a man. I don't want to hear, "Justin, you're a great guy." I want people to say, "Justin is a good man."

I want to be the kind of person that people consider dangerous. I don't want people to necessarily feel threatened by me or think of me as an unstable person that will flip out and kill them. I want people to know that though I am a good person and would like more to help you than hurt you, I am not the guy you fuck with. Not ever. I like the concept of me as wild, uncontainable, uncontrollable, and most of all unstoppable.

NOTE: If I get any responses from this telling me to read Wild at Heart or if I get any borrowed copies, your book is forfeit. I will tear out every page and find new and creative uses for those dead trees.

I want to be someone people take seriously. It occurs to me that while I am a funny and a congenial person, not many people seem to take me seriously unless I'm in an incredibly somber mood. I don't mind being a Fool, or even a King Lear's Fool, but I don't want to have to trade my ability to entertain with jokes, stories, and physical comedy for credibility and insightfulness.

I have always wanted to be the number one go-to guy about something important, or at least useful. So far I can't think of anything people come to me about first. This can be a general skill that everyone comes to me for because I'm the best, or something personal that one person comes to me for and no one else.

Most of this indicates to me one thing: I want power. I want power and lots of it. Making my own way and creating my own destiny is very high on my list of important things at the moment. Maybe a lot of this has to do with my job hunt over the past two years, but I have nothing to say to people about the will of God and a person's calling/vocation or talents or gifts. I can hardly think of the word Vocation without wanting to spit the word out. It's a poison to me.

I want to make of myself what I will. As to what that's going to be, I'm not entirely sure. But between now and the New Year I'll be in super-introspective-mode, so if those of you see me face to face and I appear really somber and down: I'm not sad. I'm not depressed. I'm just taking a deep careful look within and deciding what to do.

And then Dexter said,

*long awkward silence*

It's funny, when I'm at work and I'm mad and articulate, I could think of a million things to say about any number of subjects. Things to do with how I'm feeling, what i think about God, my life, the world. Then I get home and it's gone.

It's funny, but what I do remember about all that time working out my anger at the world on leaves and flowers and sticks, it seems that when I'm at my angriest (especially when I'm angry with God), I'm always doing the one thing that would seem counter-intuitive to how I'm feeling. For example, I was cleaning up a bed of pansies so they'd bloom more and faster. And while I'm being mad as hell at God, suddenly I start working out a small lesson to be learned from the flowers. I was pinching off the seed pods that the plants grew so they would put more of their energy into blossoming since they have to make a flower before they can make seeds. And I was thinking how God tends to do these kinds of things to us. So we can blossom better. I don't know what was more infuriating: the place that God has placed me in his so-called grand scheme or that I'm continuing to formulate ways to explain Him, defend Him, and make disciples for Him despite the fact that I would hit Him as soon as hug Him.

Of course there is pain. Not bodily pain. That can be worked through, stretched out, and massaged out. It's the inner pain. I guess it's useful. The madder I get and the worse I hurt, the harder I work to get past it. I'm like the Incredible Hulk of lawn care and horticulture.

Keep moving. Stay flying.

Simple Man.

by Lynrd Skynrd

Normally I don't just post up song lyrics or movie quotes without thoughts attached or spattered intermittently. But I can't piece this one out. The whole thing stands like it is and I just stand there listening. This song means something to me. That's all I can really say. It's sad, but it's strong. Somber is the word, I suppose. At any rate, if you've never heard the song, you can find it on youtube here. But here's the words.

Mama told me when I was young
Come sit beside me, my only son
And listen closely to what I say.
And if you do this

It will help you some sunny day.
Take your time... don't live too fast,
Troubles will come and they will pass.
Go find a woman and youll find love,
And don't forget son,
There is someone up above.

(chorus)
And be a simple kind of man.
Be something you love and understand.
Be a simple kind of man.
Wont you do this for me son,
If you can?

Forget your lust for the rich mans gold
All that you need is in your soul,
And you can do this if you try.
All that I want for you my son,
Is to be satisfied.

(chorus)

Boy, dont you worry... you'll find yourself.
Follow you heart and nothing else.
And you can do this if you try.
All I want for you my son,
Is to be satisfied.

First day of work.

Justin went to his first day of work today. He spent his whole time today running a leaf blower. It wasn't bad. The truck was out of commission, so I did not drive today. But we still had a great time.

In other news, most of my things are unpacked. My clothes still need to go in the dresser, but the rest of it is good.

Baller level 76%