The Even Keel.

So for the last week or so I've been sick. Went to the doctor. MomCare Health Insurance saw to it that I got a doctor to help me with my health.

Now I feel loads better. I'm still coughing a bit, but I woke up pretty invigorated. And at 5:15am no less!

I would have to say right about now I'm excited about my improving health. As for the rest of it, I'm contented to ride it out (for now).

Still waiting on Bibb County. Follow ups seem to be near to impossible, so I'm afraid I'm going to have to allow them to come to me.

More voicemails from Mt. DeSales.

And new to the list, I might be looking for jobs around Carrollton at the request of my brother.

Still trying to earn money and save it as best I can. So far I think i've spent maybe 40 dollars this month on food that I didn't really need. Or at least, when I went to get food, I probably could have made my choices a bit cheaper.

Oh well.

Trying to save my money as best I can. I'm thinking about asking for enough money to register for the GACE II English tests this Christmas.

It's not daytime yet, but I think the sky is starting to grey.

The Stormcloud over my head won't go away.

Forecast: New lows today coming in along another inadequate front with a chance of "Was it worth its" and a heavy downpour of "None of it means a damn thing."

I am so tired of feeling down and sorry about myself. It sucks the life out of you. And I hate to think that I've regressed back to a lesser quality person.

Hurt.

Out of all the people in the world, I hate myself the most.

Ideas in my head.

There's really no clear way to explain it other than a few lines from other sources.

What do you do when you can't do nothing, but there's nothing you can do?

It's not my time, I'm not going
There's a fear in me
It's not showing
This could be the end of me
And everything I know.

Be a simple kind of man
One you can love and understand
Be a simple kind of man.
Won't you do this for me son?
If you can.

I reckon it's tried or cliched, but I don't really care.

We're still flying.

It's not much.

It's enough.

Why being a Pokemon Master in real life is a neat idea.

As most of you know by now, I've been playing tons and tons of Pokemon. I have currently caught 200 out of 482.

So I got to thinking about it, and I decided that being a Pokemon Master in real life would be incredible, and here's why.

If Pokemon were all real, and you could be a Pokemon Master, here is what you get.

At age 10 (at the youngest) you can stop going to school. No grades. No SATs. Not homework, mid-terms or finals.

Someone gives you an animal companion for free.

You then travel to the nearest town, beating up other kids' animals along the way. This is encouraged.

You get to the town and you go to the place built just for other people like you. Once there, you eat, sleep, and have your animal (or animals if you caught more) treated for free.

Then you go to the next town and on the way you beat up more kids' animals. Then you get to that town, eat, sleep, and have your animals medically treated, again, for free.

As you get better at this, people respect you. They go out of their way to mention how admirable it is that you are a Pokemon Master.

But let's be real. Here's what you really are. A Homeless Vagrant with an Animal. You probably smell like these animals unless you shower at the place where you ate and slept for free.

You pay no taxes! You make no money! You're taken care of! You mooch off of society and you are praised and respected for it. After all, being a Pokemon Master takes hard work. You should be proud.

And that's why being a Pokemon Master in real life would be awesome.

It's deafening.

It's thunderously silent in my house right now.

Work, sleep.

I think my life for the next week is going to get much busier than it has been. I've nearly got everything I need to apply for a Bibb County clerk job.

My only day off next week is Tuesday. I'll be opening a lot, so I'll be getting up unprecedentedly early. Which means I'll probably be napping a lot because I can't get used to the new sudden change in my schedule.

I'm also going to have to make the effort to finish typing one of my projects. I'm almost halfway through typing it. I just need to buckle down and get it done. I suppose that'll be the rest of my time.

So much that is good tinges with what's bad recently. I enjoy time with my friends, but there's always something there to cause pain or suffering. Something nagging, going "This is not right. Something is inherently wrong. And there's nothing you can do about it."

Fuck that.

I'm so powerless. I lost the trust and respect of one of my closest and dearest friends. I'm losing my family to concern for my future. I'm losing myself to depression and apathy.

Some people say it's not my fault. It's the fault of the government and the economy. I guess that's true. But what can I do in the face of that?

It's hard to keep it together. When I feel like this, I feel foolish and my first reaction to myself is, "Don't cry, emo kid."

But at my worst when I think about my future all I see is homelessness and vagrancy.

At least if I'm homeless and a vagrant I can work on staying in shape and get better at martial arts.

I'm still trying to get better. Still trying to find better work and get out of my folks' house and be something more resembling a man. But I've missed so many invisible deadlines. So many goals I didn't reach. And now I'm losing a lot more than I bargained for.

For everyone that's helping me, thanks. I appreciate the help. I promise it's not going unnoticed or unwanted.

Work, sleep. Maybe if I do enough of both I won't have time to brood about my life.