You're a nice man, Captain.

"No I'm not. I'm a mean old man."

The title of the post and the part in quotation marks was a section of a conversation held between Captain Malcom Reynolds and Kaylee on Firefly. Kaylee spoke first and then Mal answered her with the part in quotations.

I feel that way more often than not it seems.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm really a Christian or not. Mostly because it seems that people are a bit confused about what I am. Am I a nice guy, or a mean ol' snob who's so full of bitterness at his community he can't see straight.

Once I got asked why I was still a Christian since I was so incredibly angry, bitter, upset, etc with other Christians.

It was an odd question, and one that I had never really considered before. In fact, for all my anger and dislike of what Christendom was doing around me, it had never occurred to me that I might want to stop being a Christian.

So I simply answered, "I've got no where else to go. I'm compelled towards Christianity and I simply cannot help myself."

Now I wonder if I am truly compelled. Am I persistent or am I merely too dumb to quit? Lent has been a battleground if ever there was one. I'm keeping my Lenten vow pretty square on, but I never would have imagined that I'd get attacked on other fronts as well. Especially not as hard and fast as I am right now.

But honestly, what am I doing? Why do I continue to hit my head on all these proverbial brick walls? I've had virtually no breaks at all in the realm of ministry opportunities, I've got no money for seminary, and I'm constantly at odds about any number of issues. Now I'm no stranger to doubts and questions, and have just about lived next to them since I took up Christianity as a serious enterprise. But I'm beginning to wonder if I've really been changed or transformed.

Old ways of thinking have been resurfacing recently. It's bothersome in that respect. I've come dangerously close to thinking in an old "survivalist" pattern. I'm tired of fighting and enduring, etc. I'm sick of rigor, discipline, and drills. I just want to throw all this patience and long-suffering to the winds and break open some skulls. People get in my way and I want them gone!

I want I want I want! I want a fun, comfy life! I want to be able to spend my life near my friends and my family! I want a car, a house, and no college debt! I want to be in shape and excel in martial arts! And I don't want to have to work for it, either. Man, what a selfish way to go about things. Such thinking encroaches on me. It certainly looks easier, but it's probably not nearly as rewarding.

So I suppose I settle for my bitterness and whatever anger I have and refer to it as "righteous." Whether it really is righteous remains to be seen. It's an anger I can't adequately expressed because people keep showing up to oppress me. I want to release my anger, let it go and vent it all out! But I can't because it would be "destructive" or "rude" or "harsh."

If I'm not mistaken Jeremiah mentions a wall and a plumb line. Plumb lines were used to make sure that a wall stood straight and did not lean over. Jeremiah uses the wall and the plumb line as a metaphor for Israel. Israel was a wall that was out of plumb (it leaned over too much), which stood for Israel's straying from God's commandments. Jeremiah decreed that he had been given the power to tear down the wall and to rebuild it! As God's prophet, it was up to Jeremiah to tear down the wall with his prophecy and stop the people's disobedience and make them obedient.

If there's over 13 prophets in the Old Testament (prophetic books at least) that can righteously hold anger towards their people, and if Jesus can grow angry with the Pharisees, who He loved, and if Paul and chew out the churches he started for being stupid (You foolish Galatians!), then why can't I do the same with my peers today?

I guess, all in all, I might be a nice person. But I'm also a mean old man.