The sun.
Ok, let's be serious. I feel stupid for doing this here, but I'm not really comfortable confiding in my family about this sort of stuff. I also don't feel comfortable confiding in others over the phone. Calls drop, family drops in, complications arise.
This past week has been really dark for me. It sounds crazy, but I'm starting to wonder if my current illness doesn't have some kind of spiritual link as well. I've had nightmares recently. They seemed so real. I guess it all started one night when I dreamt that I took my brothers' place in a dark ritual because I trusted my baptism to save me from it--and save my brothers too.
That nightmare scared me a lot.
It also doesn't help that I haven't confessed since Easter. I tried to confess last week, but there were so many people and the priest hearing confessions also had to say Mass that day. Every day during the week I'm too busy. And my Saturdays are nearly always full.
I've also not heard back from the St. Simon's people. It's been a few weeks now. I thought for sure I'd have heard back from them by now.
It all mixes poorly with me.
I'm still confident in myself and how I did at my interview, but all this waiting is stressing me out. I'm trying to open my mind to other opportunities, but I can't stop thinking about these kids. I really think they need me and in a strange way, I think I'm going to end up needing them. Ideas keep exploding in my head for fun ways to teach them and equip them with what they need.
It's strange how I feel so bad and so darkly about myself, but I somehow still think I can do some good for God.
Ultimately, I'm haunted by my lack of ability to do some real good in helping people. I'm also fearful of what's bad in me. My dreams recently have been of desolate places with dim, dusty lighting. Pain precedes a person's ability to do anything.
These dreams come in small fragments. At first a bird might be trying to fly out of a canyon. Then, a T-Rex is exploding out of a family's house and they hide inside a tractor trailer. The fragments go on and on. Little cubes of moments and lives forced upon me by strange white soldiers to be sorted through and judged. Perhaps I've been fatigued--in a number of areas.
My body will emerge from my illness intact. But what about my mind? My soul?
Hier kommt die Sonne.
Sie ist die hellste Stern von allen
Und wird nie von Himmel fallen.
This past week has been really dark for me. It sounds crazy, but I'm starting to wonder if my current illness doesn't have some kind of spiritual link as well. I've had nightmares recently. They seemed so real. I guess it all started one night when I dreamt that I took my brothers' place in a dark ritual because I trusted my baptism to save me from it--and save my brothers too.
That nightmare scared me a lot.
It also doesn't help that I haven't confessed since Easter. I tried to confess last week, but there were so many people and the priest hearing confessions also had to say Mass that day. Every day during the week I'm too busy. And my Saturdays are nearly always full.
I've also not heard back from the St. Simon's people. It's been a few weeks now. I thought for sure I'd have heard back from them by now.
It all mixes poorly with me.
I'm still confident in myself and how I did at my interview, but all this waiting is stressing me out. I'm trying to open my mind to other opportunities, but I can't stop thinking about these kids. I really think they need me and in a strange way, I think I'm going to end up needing them. Ideas keep exploding in my head for fun ways to teach them and equip them with what they need.
It's strange how I feel so bad and so darkly about myself, but I somehow still think I can do some good for God.
Ultimately, I'm haunted by my lack of ability to do some real good in helping people. I'm also fearful of what's bad in me. My dreams recently have been of desolate places with dim, dusty lighting. Pain precedes a person's ability to do anything.
These dreams come in small fragments. At first a bird might be trying to fly out of a canyon. Then, a T-Rex is exploding out of a family's house and they hide inside a tractor trailer. The fragments go on and on. Little cubes of moments and lives forced upon me by strange white soldiers to be sorted through and judged. Perhaps I've been fatigued--in a number of areas.
My body will emerge from my illness intact. But what about my mind? My soul?
Hier kommt die Sonne.
Sie ist die hellste Stern von allen
Und wird nie von Himmel fallen.
posted by Justin | 6:04 PM
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